Larry Kahaner

Stop Anthropomorphizing Us Cuddly Critters Just So You Can Write a Poignant Story

Don’t force us to tell your kids the truth

By Larry Kahaner

(This story first appeared in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket)

I am the spokesanimal for Small Animals Against Anthropomorphizing® and we’re pissed off.

You people never seem to understand that every time you give us human characteristics we suffer. Life is difficult enough being a small critter without you piling on the addition of people-type feelings and then projecting your emotional issues on us. Yeah, I’m looking at you C.S. Lewis, A.A Milne, Lewis Carroll, E.B. White and Walt Dis… I can’t even say his name. And what’s with all those letters instead of first names? Ashamed? I thought so.

We have our own problems: pesticides, traps, predators, grimy kids squeezing us to death, pulling off our little legs while dancing (RIP, uncle Benny), feeding us people food — all because people think we love them.

And where do people get the idea that we love them? From your inane, bullshit stories that makes us seem human.

Do you understand the vicious cycle of horror that you wreak upon us?

I know what you’re about to ask me. Aren’t you now exhibiting the human characteristic of anger?

While this makes me appear humanlike it’s not the same. This is bona fide animal fury and my shrink has told me to own it. That’s why our members, including me, don’t need any more emotional projection from you people. Deal with your own shit.

And another thing, when you misspell our written words or make it seem like we’ve got a human child’s fractured vocabulary that’s… that’s… UGH! It gets me so angry that I can’t even talk about it. Don’t even get me started on backwards letters.

Let’s be clear. We’re not talking about dogs and cats. They’ve long ago relinquished any rights to not feel like humans. That was their choice, and it works for them. But for the rest of us, stop making believe that we’re a font of human foibles. It’s damn depressing.

Beware. We’re growing in numbers and keeping track of your transgressions. We’ve received interest in joining our group from insects. Not to mention non-animals like plants, trees, rocks, and vegetables are getting tired of having human emotions thrust upon them just so you can tell one of your feeble tales.

I know what else you’re probably thinking. Doesn’t my plea itself reek of meta self-awareness, a human trait? Screw you. That’s none of your business.

This is your last warning. We’re mad as hell. Though definitely not in a human way! And we’re not going to take it anymore.

Watch out! You have no idea (unless you attribute it to us, you bastards) of how we will seek our revenge.