Larry Kahaner

05 Apr 2024

My Newest Book: “Did the Frail Have a Heater?”

It’s mysterious, quirky, detectory, funny, and you’ll learn a bunch of phrases you never new existed.

Here’s a free sample. (Give it a second to two to cycle through to the sample. Weird, I know.)

No need for me to read anymore. I’m going to Amazon.

“It’s like Raymond Chandler had lunch with TV satirist John Oliver, and author Terry Pratchett, and they discuss drug trafficking, money laundering, worldwide income disparity and getting hit on the head.”

Sam Marlowe isn’t a happy dick. His noir-obsessed parents combined the names of two literary private eyes – Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe – hoping he’d become a snooper. He did. But they didn’t count on their son getting a bullet to the noggin that injured his brain. Now, he talks in that 1930’s hyperbolic style where guns are gats and women are dames.
It’s funny to us, but not to Sam. He dislikes the way he talks. It scares away dates and confuses clients. Even though he doesn’t think or act like an old-time PI, Sam battles every day not to sound like Humphrey Bogart in The Maltese Falcon.

Despite his quirky and off-putting patter Sam is still a well-respected PI, which attracts Helen Boston to his office. “I caught a whiff of Xanax and chardonnay,” Sam notes, as she tells a bizarre story. He agrees to take her case along with two others at the same time. Why? “Fictional PIs always have multiple cases that come together in the end,” he says, “just like story lines in a Seinfeld episode.” When Helen dies from a drug overdose Sam knows it was murder.

In the end, Sam finds Helen’s killer, solves the other two cases and exposes how drug cartels, Russian oligarchs, crooked politicians and many of the world’s one-percenters hide their cash in a legal, global matrix that some have dubbed Moneystan. (That’s a true thing.)

The only thing the book doesn’t have is a subtitle which should be: “For 99 cents, you can’t go wrong.” FYI, my cut is 34 cents, so clearly, it’s not about the geetus. If it’s the kinda thing you might enjoy, give it a whirl.

Get it on Amazon.

Posted in amazon, kindle, novelists and tagged humor, larry kahaner, novel writing, satire | Leave a comment

10 Jan 2024

“The 10 Things Every Writer Should…” Stop! Don’t Fall for These Ruinous Writing Tips.

It’s a Vicious Ploy. Listen to Me Instead. I’m Smarter and Incredibly Successful.

By Larry Kahaner

All the writing advice you’ve been told is wrong. Pay attention to me. I have written over 3,567 books (all of them bestsellers except for the Charles Manson Joke Book). I also have had over 748 plays produced on Broadway and one off-Broadway, (AK-47, the Musical) and don’t even ask me about my 17 daily, mega-monetized blogs including: How to Write Limericks in Ancient Aramaic Like a Boss. It has 100,567 subscribers not including today.

I’m like, I dunno, the 2 percent of writers who can actually make a living as a writer. And what about that so-called select coterie of scribes who offer you free writing guidance?

They’re purposely feeding you terrible advice so you won’t succeed, because they can’t handle the competition.

“The 10 writers’ instructions for this” and the “12 writer must-dos for that”… it’s all a con. These errant listicles are designed to make you fail. Ask yourself this: If these folks are soooo successful why are they spending their money-making, writing time telling you how to write? Because they want you to flop. It helps them feel better about themselves. It’s that long German word that begins with a Sh sound which I can’t spell, but you know what I mean.
Okay, here we go with their stupid advice and what I suggest instead which, I swear, you can really, really, really, really trust:

1 – Write what you know: Nonsense. Like most people, you haven’t done anything worth writing about. Want proof that writing only about what you know is bad council? How many writers were astronauts yet still wrote super boring Sci-Fi space fiction?
Plenty.
Ditto for first-person serial killer novels including my buddy Phil who crushed random accountants in an olive oil press and his book sucked anyway.

2 – Keep a journal: How silly! If you can write a journal then you can write a real book. Stop wasting time on something nobody will see, you won’t get paid for, and forces you to relive teenage traumas like losing your locker combination.

3 – Write your first draft quickly and edit later: Crazy! Editing is just another way that so-called “successful” writers want you to second guess yourself so you get frustrated and take a minimum wage job instead of pushing them off the bestseller list. And don’t even talk to me about rewriting. It’s a sucker’s game.

4 – Push through writers’ block: Poppycock. You can’t; it’s impossible. Give up now before you have a coronary or pull out your hair in clumps. Is any book or article worth going bald? Famous writers all have lustrous and beautiful hair.

5- Read great writers: Are you kidding me? Let’s say you read Hemingway’s novels. Afterward, you might start writing short, to the point, descriptive, compelling, emotional, and pithy prose. Editors will whine: “Oh, his/her work is derivative of Hemingway. Let’s not publish it.” See what I mean?

6 – Stick to a writing schedule: Re-dunk-you-less! You can’t be tied down to a job like a regular person. You’re a writer, for god’s sake. Free your creativity. Don’t stifle it with a time clock. Those authors who say, “I write everyday between 6 am and 10 am, blah, blah, blah…” just want you to get up early, miss your much-needed rest so you fall asleep in front of your computer. You’re no competition to them if you’re nodding off.

In conclusion, listen to me and not to them. I’m too famous and not at all threatened by your writing career. I guarantee that big-time editors are eager to see your manuscript. They dream about publishing a book with your bio that says you’re “not afraid of breaking the traditional rules of writing.” Publishers love mavericks.

Good luck, not that you’ll need it.

Posted in plotting and tagged creative writing, fiction writing, humor, novel writing, satire, spoof | Leave a comment

08 Nov 2023

4 Comments

They Call Me the Great Monetizer and my Life is Worth Living – Literally

By Larry Kahaner

They call me “The Great Monetizer” because I make money from everything in my life and I’m not ashamed to tell you about it. I’m even monetizing this paragraph, this sentence, and the word ‘word.’ See, I’m already cashing in as you clicked and agreed to pay a millionth of a Bitcoin to read the word ‘word.’ Check your digi-wallet. It’s already been deducted.

“It’s so easy.” – Larry Kahaner

Yesterday, I cooked a fried egg for breakfast. Do you know how to do that? Maybe, but do you really? Avoid a life-crippling mistake and embarrassment by checking out my YouTube on the proper way to cook poultry ova. (Pro tip: To attract more viewers use complex phrases like ‘poultry ova’ instead of eggs.) I uploaded one on making toast, too. It’s not as simple as it seems! Wham, another few cents in my pocket.

And that jerk who cut me off on the highway and honked his horn like there’s no tomorrow? Jokes on them. I recorded their angry beeping on my smartphone. Have you heard my car horn mashup with Cardi B’s “Wap.” You should. It’s fantastic and more Spotify dinero for Moi.

All of this monetizing is making me irregular, so I’m going through a Lettuce-leaved basil, Korean mint and cold-pressed dillweed juice cleanse for two weeks. Follow my progress on TikTok, check out my cleanse kit on Amazon and most of all be on the lookout for my “Cleanse Sense” franchise coming to a mall near you. Already have a cleanse regimen? I doubt it really works if it’s not based on my personal experience. Interested in getting a piece of the action? Attend my FREE franchisee’s seminar on Zoom.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. I’m a money-grubbing millennial jerk who only wants to make money from everything that happens in my life. Hell’s bells! You’re right! I live my life so mindfullnessly so why shouldn’t I share my extraordinary everyday existence with the world. I am giving back and it feels great.

But I have my quiet times, too, so I can realign my chakras. My European Wolfhound Risk&Return and I go for long contemplative walks so I can think about all the good that I’m doing for the world. Yesterday, as I watched him poop, I realized that there’s money in dog waste as long as I change the name to something like artisan canine output. Perhaps I can dry it in the sun (no capital outlay for that) and turn it into children’s toys or pottery. Natural products are in now, and I’m recycling. I love doing my part for the environment.

You know that old expression, “Do what you love and the money will come.” It’s damn true. I love my life and I’m making money from it – and so can you. Text me and I will send you my free guide to living the life of freedom that you’ve always dreamt about. Speaking of which… I’m an avid, active dreamer and I get my best ideas from my nocturnal reveries. You can too. Send for my no-obligation guide “Turning your Dreams into Money.” I promise not to share your information with anyone else except my own affiliated companies.

Remember my motto: “If you don’t monetize your life, someone else will.” (T-shirts and mugs are available.)

Posted in plotting

18 May 2023

7 Comments

How Putting the Spur in My Uppercase G’s Brought me Fame and Fortune

Now it’s Just a Typographical Memory

By Larry Kahaner

“Howdy, pard!”

How does a guy from Brooklyn become a rootin, tootin’ cowpoke who says things like ‘Howdy, pard’? It all began when I put a spur in my upper case “G.”

Yessiree, Bob. I didn’t know that’s what they called that little critter ’til I…Dagnab it. Imma gettin’ ahead of myself.

I was presenting my PhD thesis on Geoffrey Chaucer, who wrote them there Canterbury Tales. That’s some crazy-ass stories, I tell you what.

Anyhoo, I fancied-up the G in ‘Geoffrey’ on my first Powerpoint slide, when a voice from the back of the room screamed: “Look, there’s a spur in the G.” I had no idea what in tarnation they were hollerin’ about. Another person yelled: “He must be a cowboy!” you know, because of the spur like what’s on a boot and everything.

I knew they were right, so I packed my bags and headed West on the next stagecoach, which wasn’t easy to find.

I drifted around a bit, with nobody really noticing my fancy-like G’s until I got a job at an Arizona dude ranch rustlin’ up grub for tourists. By and by, people came from all part just to see me write Gazpacho, Garden peas and Gherkins on the menu chalkboard.

One of the guests put me on this tiky-toky show and before you could say ‘git along little doggie,’ I was famous.

One day the big boss says “Forget menu boards. Go to California where they got billboards as big as the sky.”

So I did.

Pretty soon, I was the darling of Hollywood. My spurred G’s were on billboards, movie marquees and even film and TV credit scrolls. Celebrities like Gilbert Gottfried and Gina Gershon asked me to write their names. Before you knew it, I was writing hundreds of G’s and raking in the moolah. Others tried to out-G me but they fell one-by-one to the ‘G-slinger’ as TMZ dubbed me.

The mayor of Hollywood announced a name change to Gollywood, so I could add my special G to the sign when a young feller in the audience bellowed: “I hear tell that you think your upper case G’s are really something, don’t ya cowboy?”

Them young-uns is the worst. They think they’re faster on the drawing, but they always end up with cramped fingers, spasms or worse: carpal tunnel syndrome.

I tried to laugh it off, but he kept a-comin,’ calling me yellow-handed and such. The crowd egged him on, and there was nothing I could do but accept his challenge for the top G-spot.

“Tomorrow,” I said. “High noon on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.”

The next day, I spray painted the most exquisite upper case G ever seen on a sidewalk or graffitied wall. It covered almost a full block and the spur was like it had been formed by an angel.

The crowd cheered as I triumphantly tossed my empty can in the air.

My adversary stepped forward, double-flipped his spray can from his holster but instead of forming an upper case G he went lower case — a bold and risky gambit that nobody expected.

The ear had nary a kink as it thrust into the air beckoning the eye to follow. Instead of the usual fish hook tail, he produced a loop so cleverly done with thin and thick sections in just the right areas that it brought me to tears. And never in all my born days have I seen a link that so confidently joined top to bottom, a thread of Helvetica gossamer if there ever was one.

I knew I was bested and so did the onlookers who carried him on their shoulders to his pickup truck. Someone even validated his parking.

Everyone has their 15 minutes of fame and I had mine. I still sign autographs when someone on the street recognizes me, but truth be told I’m glad to be out of that racket.

In my quiet moments, I fiddle around with various serif designs, but I don’t show them to anyone.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged humor, satire, typography

02 Jan 2023

4 Comments

FAQs from a Whack-a-Mole Mole

I am a Whack-a-Mole variety of mole, and I’m tired of being whacked. I am also tired of answering all your questions so I wrote these FAQs.

Q – You say you’re tired of being whacked but ‘whack’ is in your name. What did you expect was going to happen?

A – Let me ask all you Karen’s out there. Do you like being defined by your name? I didn’t think so.

Q – If you don’t want to be whacked, why stick your head out of the holes?”

A – Fair question. But let me turn that around. Why tell your roommate to smell the two-week old milk in the fridge even though you know they will make a face and then hate you? I just can’t help it.

Q – Why do people pummel you with that comically large mallet?

A – I was wondering that myself. It can’t be that I’m ruining their lawn. I live in a wooden box and not your precious suburban sod (which, by the way, you’re overwatering according to my friends who actually do live in your lawn.) You should also check for voles who are one letter off, but we often get blamed for their misbehavior.

Q – Do you have memories of being whacked as a child?

Speaking of memories, I had the craziest dream last night. I was in a super bright, noisy room with bells and buzzers. People were laughing, and walking around with stuffed animals. In the dream, I had a bad feeling, you know, like something out of the blue was going to hit me on the noggin. That’s nuts, right?

Q – What are your life goals?

All I want to do is give a quick look around everyone once in a while, see what’s out there above the holes and not get whacked. Yeah, like, how would you like getting whacked 22 times in one minute, but kudos to you, ‘Brian W.’ Great score!

Q – How did you become a Whack-a-Mole Mole?’

My dad had a whack job as did his father before him. I had planned to break the cycle, attend university and study civil engineering. I got a full ride, but my dad couldn’t take the whacks any more, and I had to support the family. I have one brother who thinks he’s an artist but hasn’t sold any of his stupid abstract paintings and I promised my parents before they died that I would take care of him and… well that’s not my real problem.

Q – And what is that problem?

My doc says I have a problem thinking because I’ve been whacked so many times. Then he said I had malaria. No, wait. I think he said Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy which sounds similar but is different and brought on my continual whacking which is not the issue in my instance. Why would you think that?

Q – How are things lately?

Last night, a little kid’s father put a token in the machine and told him to whack me as hard as he could. Check your hate, dad. Anyway, the kid was slow so I had plenty of time to look around between pop-downs. I saw a football game on the TV. Can you help get me in touch with those players? I know the best doctor to treat their malaria.

Posted in plotting

06 May 2021

3 Comments

Learn the 3 Parts of the 3-Part Story Structure for Writing Non-Fiction in 3 Easy Steps

It’s as Easy as 1,2,3

This story first appeared in The Haven

Hey, writer-person. Wanna be successful at writing non-fiction articles? Ask any pro and they will tell you about the always-works way to write non-fiction stories especially those “how to write” screeds that other writers can’t seem to get enough of. You’ve seen this rubric before, no doubt, so let’s get started!

1 — Tell people what you are going to tell them.

2 — Tell them.

3 — Tell them what you told them.

For example, in writing this instructive piece I am starting out explaining how I will tell you how to structure a non-fiction article. For purposes of this article, I am currently explaining what I will tell you. What is it that I’m trying to convey here? It’s about how to write a non-fiction article, of course.

Okay, let that sink in until you fully understand it. Now, let’s move on to the second section.

I am telling you what I said I would tell you. Please note carefully how I am going about this part of the 3-part structure. I am explaining what you are telling the reader about what you’re telling them. Straightforward? You bet, but just a minute. Did you really tell the reader what you were going to tell them or did you go off on a tangent? Remember, it’s all about fulfilling your promise.

Last, I am telling you what I just told you about writing a non-fiction article. I am re-explaining the 3-part structure so that it re-enforces your understanding of how to do this. This is the most important part: telling people what you told them so it sticks in their mind. In this case, I am telling you to repeat what you told them. It’s what readers want and expect from a professional writer who abides by the 3-part structure.

What about the traditional 5-part structure for fiction? Good question. It’s different.

Good luck, not that you’ll need it.

Posted in plotting

20 Jan 2021

2 Comments

How Ikigai Helped Me Become my Best Grave Robber Self

By Larry Kahaner

(This story first appeared in The Haven)

Finally, I have reached my true calling. I am the world’s most accomplished (and best loved) grave robber. I owe it all to the Japanese concept known as Ikigai.

As many of you know, Ikigai is a way to learn what you should be doing with your life. Let me show you how the four principles have helped to shape my blessed and awesome lifestyle of excavating those from the hereafter.

What you are good at. How could I not be good at something that I feel passionate about i.e., freeing a dead body from its earthly prison, giving it new life in a medical school, a necrophiliac’s basement or placed in someone’s bed to persuade them to do the ‘right thing.’ We all want to help others live in God’s light, don’t we? If I can be part of that then I’m totally on board.

I am so proficient at grave robbing that I even invented a special device to help expedite the process. I fastened a flashlight to my hat so both hands are free. Yes, I know that miners have been doing this for years, but I’m doing it overground.

What you love. I admit it. I’m a cadaver whore. The exhilaration of anticipating how far a corpse has rotted, watching the joyous maggots living their own peak lives (insects benefit from Ikigai, too) and the ghastly stench that propels me into cosmic consciousness are special gifts. It’s like Christmas morning in the dead of night whenever I’m lifting carcasses. When I thrust the spade into soft earth it’s like, dare I say it… sex. And when I feel that first shovel-tap on the casket…

What the world needs. Grave robbing has a long and cherished tradition in art and literature. (Mary Shelley’s Dr. Frankenstein, yo.) Sadly, it’s become a lost practice. I don’t know what’s with young people these days that they don’t want to do this kind of work. They think it’s beneath them or something to wear a top hat and torn slicker while skulking through graveyards. There’s a growing movement to bring back artisan handicrafts like pickling, knitting, or making clothes from hemp. In a world full of digital this and virtual that, I am doing my part to promote old world, shovel-in-hand skills. You’re welcome.

What you can get paid for. Are you kidding me? Do you know what a corpse goes for these days? A pretty penny, I tell you. I’ve got orders backed into next year. It’s supply and demand, baby. With so many people wanting dead bodies and few of us offering this service, I have job security like you wouldn’t believe.

You know how your parents were always telling you to have something to fall back on if your writing career didn’t pan out. Grave robbing is the key to lifelong financial security. Career tip: Find a guy who buys rings and other jewelry items without asking too many questions. You make bank both ways. That’s good biz in today’s gig economy.

In conclusion, I know that grave robbing isn’t right for everybody, but is it right for you? Keep digging (if you know what I mean) until you find your own calling through Ikigai.

Posted in plotting and tagged humor, ikigai, satire

09 Jan 2021

2 Comments

Mahatma Delivers Half-Ton of Rice to ‘Dry Out’ Rioters’ Cell Phones Thrown into Potomac

By Larry Kahaner

(This story first appeared in Extra Newsfeed.)

Mahatma, “America’s Favorite Rice,” confirmed that it has delivered 200, 5-lb. bags of Enriched Extra Long Grain White Rice to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC to be used by investigators who retrieved thousands of waterlogged cell phones tossed into the Potomac River by rioters who threw them out of bus and car windows as they departed the nation’s capital.

“They think they’re so darn smart, discarding their phones from bridges so we couldn’t trace their movements,” said FBI spokesperson Stan Dashower. “We Googled how to get data from wet cell phones and it turns out that you let them sit in rice. Did you know that? Yeah, it soaks up the water.”

The ploy was discovered when Texas-Republican Senator Ted Cruz’s yacht Donny’s Bitch ran aground under the 14th St. bridge after hitting a mountain of smartphones. Cruz would not comment, but the DC Harbor Patrol said they received a distress call at around 10 pm last night. When they arrived on scene, Cruz’s wife Heidi was throttling the boat back and forth trying to dislodge it from the phone mountain as her husband yelled at her.

“Most of the phones were on the Consumer Cellular and Straight Talk networks,” said Metro PD Captain Marcus Smolens. “We’re not sure how important that fact is right now, but we’re looking at all the evidence.” Smolens noted that the police would be checking areas under the Key and Memorial Bridges as well.

“We are proud to play a role in helping law enforcement track and identify those who have caused loss of life and property in the Capitol building,” said Mahatma’s Senior Vice President, Marketing John (Jack) MacKeen. “As we all take a moment to reflect on the challenges facing our country, we want all law-abiding Americans to know that we also offer four varieties of boil-in-bag rice, including white rice, basmati rice, jasmine rice, and brown rice.”

Posted in plotting

09 Jan 2021

1 Comment

An Updated List of Companies Who are Punishing Donald Trump

By Larry Kahaner

(This story first appeared in The Haven.)

With Twitter, Facebook and Instagram silencing President Trump and Shopify taking his products off their website, other companies are piling on.

Here is an updated list:

1 — Bed, Bath & Beyond will no longer mail 20 percent-off postcards to the White House.

2 — Domino’s is limiting toppings to two and it cannot include meat.

3 — Subway will no longer allow Trump to choose between chips or a cookie. Whatever they have more of is what he will get.

4 — Micro Center will take back the president’s free thumb drive coupon.

5 — Trump’s AARP card, which offers discounts for Medicare supplemental plans, has been flagged.

6 — Prime Video will only allow viewing of trailers.

7 — Flo from Progressive has personally deleted Trump from the company’s wall calendar mailing list.

8 — Trump has been banned from buying anything with bacon on it from Five Guys and Shake Shack.

9 — Poshmark will reject all clothing listings from Melania and her body double.

10 — A ‘do not deliver’ order has been instituted for J.C. Penney’s Big Sexy Hair Spray and Play Harder.

Posted in plotting

29 Oct 2020

2 Comments

At Least I Didn’t Screw Up as Bad as Pandora

But I Still Shouldn’t Have Opened that Can of Worms

By Larry Kahaner

This story was first published in The Haven

My friend Horace, well, he’s not actually a friend, more of an acquaintance, handed me a can of worms and said not to open it.

“Why not?” I asked.

He looked at me like I had an extra head, which I often carry around to scare little kids, and said: “Because it’s a can of worms, for god’s sake. Everyone knows you’re not supposed to open it.”

Everyone but me. Apparently. But his admonition scared me enough that instead of opening the can, I set it aside and Googled: ‘What to do with a can of worms.’

The answer came back strong and clear. ‘Don’t open it.’

I was directed to several web pages, one of which relayed the story of a woman named Pandora who was given a jar by Zeus. He was a big deal, king of the Gods, and then there was something about Prometheus stealing fire, yada, yada. Anyway, he warned Pandora not to open the jar, but she did anyway and released all the evils into the world. I wouldn’t want that on my head for eternity. Not only that, but people on the web were arguing about how Pandora’s Jar became Pandora’s Box over centuries of retelling the story. It has to do with translating from Greek to English, but I became bored with the discussion and moved to the next site which offered suggestions about hitting a hornet’s nest with sticks.

‘Don’t do it,” the internet people advised once more. Again with the negativity.

To bolster their position they showed me a video of a guy with a large gut spilling out of his T-shirt holding a beer in one hand and a tree branch in the other whacking the hell out of a hornet’s nest. His friends were laughing as his head grew to twice its size and his eyes swelled shut. They laughed even harder when the medivac helicopter’s downdraft blew the beer out of his hand.

Is this what I have in store if I open my can of worms? Do worms even fly? Are there more evils to be unleashed that I don’t know about?

I stared at the can. Then I stared at the can opener. Then I noticed the pull tab. The universe was telling me to open this can.

So I did.

What was inside? Worms slithering around in dirt and moss, minding their own business except for that one worm, the largest of the lot, who squinted from the light for a few seconds, then looked me squarely in the eye and said: “Now you’re in trouble. Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to open a can of worms?”

He was right. My life is in shambles. I don’t want to talk about it. Trust me; you don’t want to know about it, either. Just know that I am rebuilding my life from scratch.

It’s a long road, but I will get there, because I’m learning from my mistake. Yesterday, I saw a sleeping dog and let him lie.

Baby steps.

Posted in plotting and tagged humor, pandoras box, satire

Larry Kahaner

My Newest Book: “Did the Frail Have a Heater?”

“The 10 Things Every Writer Should…” Stop! Don’t Fall for These Ruinous Writing Tips.

They Call Me the Great Monetizer and my Life is Worth Living – Literally

How Putting the Spur in My Uppercase G’s Brought me Fame and Fortune

FAQs from a Whack-a-Mole Mole

Learn the 3 Parts of the 3-Part Story Structure for Writing Non-Fiction in 3 Easy Steps

It’s as Easy as 1,2,3

How Ikigai Helped Me Become my Best Grave Robber Self

Mahatma Delivers Half-Ton of Rice to ‘Dry Out’ Rioters’ Cell Phones Thrown into Potomac

An Updated List of Companies Who are Punishing Donald Trump

At Least I Didn’t Screw Up as Bad as Pandora

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A few of my books

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