Larry Kahaner

Archive for the month “January, 2021”

How Ikigai Helped Me Become my Best Grave Robber Self

By Larry Kahaner

(This story first appeared in The Haven)

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Finally, I have reached my true calling. I am the world’s most accomplished (and best loved) grave robber. I owe it all to the Japanese concept known as Ikigai.

As many of you know, Ikigai is a way to learn what you should be doing with your life. Let me show you how the four principles have helped to shape my blessed and awesome lifestyle of excavating those from the hereafter.

What you are good at. How could I not be good at something that I feel passionate about i.e., freeing a dead body from its earthly prison, giving it new life in a medical school, a necrophiliac’s basement or placed in someone’s bed to persuade them to do the ‘right thing.’ We all want to help others live in God’s light, don’t we? If I can be part of that then I’m totally on board.

I am so proficient at grave robbing that I even invented a special device to help expedite the process. I fastened a flashlight to my hat so both hands are free. Yes, I know that miners have been doing this for years, but I’m doing it overground.

What you love. I admit it. I’m a cadaver whore. The exhilaration of anticipating how far a corpse has rotted, watching the joyous maggots living their own peak lives (insects benefit from Ikigai, too) and the ghastly stench that propels me into cosmic consciousness are special gifts. It’s like Christmas morning in the dead of night whenever I’m lifting carcasses. When I thrust the spade into soft earth it’s like, dare I say it… sex. And when I feel that first shovel-tap on the casket…

What the world needs. Grave robbing has a long and cherished tradition in art and literature. (Mary Shelley’s Dr. Frankenstein, yo.) Sadly, it’s become a lost practice. I don’t know what’s with young people these days that they don’t want to do this kind of work. They think it’s beneath them or something to wear a top hat and torn slicker while skulking through graveyards. There’s a growing movement to bring back artisan handicrafts like pickling, knitting, or making clothes from hemp. In a world full of digital this and virtual that, I am doing my part to promote old world, shovel-in-hand skills. You’re welcome.

What you can get paid for. Are you kidding me? Do you know what a corpse goes for these days? A pretty penny, I tell you. I’ve got orders backed into next year. It’s supply and demand, baby. With so many people wanting dead bodies and few of us offering this service, I have job security like you wouldn’t believe.

You know how your parents were always telling you to have something to fall back on if your writing career didn’t pan out. Grave robbing is the key to lifelong financial security. Career tip: Find a guy who buys rings and other jewelry items without asking too many questions. You make bank both ways. That’s good biz in today’s gig economy.

In conclusion, I know that grave robbing isn’t right for everybody, but is it right for you? Keep digging (if you know what I mean) until you find your own calling through Ikigai.

Mahatma Delivers Half-Ton of Rice to ‘Dry Out’ Rioters’ Cell Phones Thrown into Potomac

By Larry Kahaner

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(Wikimedia Commons)

(This story first appeared in Extra Newsfeed.)

Mahatma, “America’s Favorite Rice,” confirmed that it has delivered 200, 5-lb. bags of Enriched Extra Long Grain White Rice to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC to be used by investigators who retrieved thousands of waterlogged cell phones tossed into the Potomac River by rioters who threw them out of bus and car windows as they departed the nation’s capital.

“They think they’re so darn smart, discarding their phones from bridges so we couldn’t trace their movements,” said FBI spokesperson Stan Dashower. “We Googled how to get data from wet cell phones and it turns out that you let them sit in rice. Did you know that? Yeah, it soaks up the water.”

The ploy was discovered when Texas-Republican Senator Ted Cruz’s yacht Donny’s Bitch ran aground under the 14th St. bridge after hitting a mountain of smartphones. Cruz would not comment, but the DC Harbor Patrol said they received a distress call at around 10 pm last night. When they arrived on scene, Cruz’s wife Heidi was throttling the boat back and forth trying to dislodge it from the phone mountain as her husband yelled at her.

“Most of the phones were on the Consumer Cellular and Straight Talk networks,” said Metro PD Captain Marcus Smolens. “We’re not sure how important that fact is right now, but we’re looking at all the evidence.” Smolens noted that the police would be checking areas under the Key and Memorial Bridges as well.

“We are proud to play a role in helping law enforcement track and identify those who have caused loss of life and property in the Capitol building,” said Mahatma’s Senior Vice President, Marketing John (Jack) MacKeen. “As we all take a moment to reflect on the challenges facing our country, we want all law-abiding Americans to know that we also offer four varieties of boil-in-bag rice, including white rice, basmati rice, jasmine rice, and brown rice.”

An Updated List of Companies Who are Punishing Donald Trump

By Larry Kahaner

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(This story first appeared in The Haven.)

With Twitter, Facebook and Instagram silencing President Trump and Shopify taking his products off their website, other companies are piling on.

Here is an updated list:

1 — Bed, Bath & Beyond will no longer mail 20 percent-off postcards to the White House.

2 Domino’s is limiting toppings to two and it cannot include meat.

3 — Subway will no longer allow Trump to choose between chips or a cookie. Whatever they have more of is what he will get.

4 — Micro Center will take back the president’s free thumb drive coupon.

5 — Trump’s AARP card, which offers discounts for Medicare supplemental plans, has been flagged.

6 — Prime Video will only allow viewing of trailers.

7 — Flo from Progressive has personally deleted Trump from the company’s wall calendar mailing list.

8 — Trump has been banned from buying anything with bacon on it from Five Guys and Shake Shack.

9 — Poshmark will reject all clothing listings from Melania and her body double.

10 — A ‘do not deliver’ order has been instituted for J.C. Penney’s Big Sexy Hair Spray and Play Harder.

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