I am a Whack-a-Mole variety of mole, and I’m tired of being whacked. I am also tired of answering all your questions so I wrote these FAQs.
Q – You say you’re tired of being whacked but ‘whack’ is in your name. What did you expect was going to happen?
A – Let me ask all you Karen’s out there. Do you like being defined by your name? I didn’t think so.
Q – If you don’t want to be whacked, why stick your head out of the holes?”
A – Fair question. But let me turn that around. Why tell your roommate to smell the two-week old milk in the fridge even though you know they will make a face and then hate you? I just can’t help it.
Q – Why do people pummel you with that comically large mallet?
A – I was wondering that myself. It can’t be that I’m ruining their lawn. I live in a wooden box and not your precious suburban sod (which, by the way, you’re overwatering according to my friends who actually do live in your lawn.) You should also check for voles who are one letter off, but we often get blamed for their misbehavior.
Q – Do you have memories of being whacked as a child?
Speaking of memories, I had the craziest dream last night. I was in a super bright, noisy room with bells and buzzers. People were laughing, and walking around with stuffed animals. In the dream, I had a bad feeling, you know, like something out of the blue was going to hit me on the noggin. That’s nuts, right?
Q – What are your life goals?
All I want to do is give a quick look around everyone once in a while, see what’s out there above the holes and not get whacked. Yeah, like, how would you like getting whacked 22 times in one minute, but kudos to you, ‘Brian W.’ Great score!
Q – How did you become a Whack-a-Mole Mole?’
My dad had a whack job as did his father before him. I had planned to break the cycle, attend university and study civil engineering. I got a full ride, but my dad couldn’t take the whacks any more, and I had to support the family. I have one brother who thinks he’s an artist but hasn’t sold any of his stupid abstract paintings and I promised my parents before they died that I would take care of him and… well that’s not my real problem.
Q – And what is that problem?
My doc says I have a problem thinking because I’ve been whacked so many times. Then he said I had malaria. No, wait. I think he said Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy which sounds similar but is different and brought on my continual whacking which is not the issue in my instance. Why would you think that?
Q – How are things lately?
Last night, a little kid’s father put a token in the machine and told him to whack me as hard as he could. Check your hate, dad. Anyway, the kid was slow so I had plenty of time to look around between pop-downs. I saw a football game on the TV. Can you help get me in touch with those players? I know the best doctor to treat their malaria.